The Mistress

Denizens of the night often see things that often don't come to light during the day.  One would need to keep an open mind and try to see situations from different points of view.  I know, I know you re wondering where I'm going with this.  Let me explain.

About 3 weeks ago I was working a Saturday night shift.  I got dispatched to Market Square to pick up "Brad". (name changed to protect the innocent or not get sued)  Dispatcher tells me he is a regular so try to cut him a deal.  Well Brad hops in and he has a lady friend with him.  He tells me he is going to Stratham which is normally about a 40 dollar fair so I tells him it will be 25 bucks.  You know cutting him a deal.  We agreed on the price and were off.  The lady just starts blabbing about things that this guy obviously has no interest in.  After about 5 minutes or so of this incoherent banter the guys cell phone rings.  He answered it as fast as he possibly could.  I think he was glad to be rescued from the constant drone of her voice.  Without trying to eaves drop it came apparent that it was his wife calling and he was out with his mistress.

As soon as Brad got off the phone mistress lady keyed right in on him.   She was telling him that he needs to be more cautious or his wife will find out.  He needed to dump his wife.  He needed to spend more time with her [the mistress].  Just basically nagging the hell out of him.  Finally we arrived at the destination.  Brad paid the fair and gave me almost a 125% tip.  I liked Brad!

I now you guys are probably thinking Brad is a jerk for having a mistress.   Heck, I did too for a while until I put some thought into it.  I'm willing to bet that anybody reading this is no saint.  We all have skeletons in our closets.  With that said I put some thought into why guys cheat on their spouses.  I know I'm biased because I'm a guy and depending on who you ask I'm a low down dirty dog too.  But I think at heart I'm a good person and I really think most people are too.

Some guys cheat because there wife don't have sex with them as often as they like.  Some guys cheat because they don't find their wives attractive any more.  Some guys cheat because they are bored.  Some guys cheat because their wives only care about themselves. Some guys cheat because their wives nag them to death.  Some guys cheat because they need to and some guys cheat because they just assholes.

Now lets talk about the other party, the mistress.  For one she knows this guy has a wife and she wants to be the only woman in his life.  I think she is the idiot in the situation.  I'm not sure why this guy feels the need to cheat on his wife.  But I'm sure he gets nagged enough at home.  Also I'm sure nagging isn't a quality he is looking for in his mistress.  My advise to this guy is to have his mistress hit the bricks.  Find a new mistress or work things out with the old lady!

My Nemesis

Ive been driving a cab on a part basis going on six months now.  There are approximately five cab companies in town.  For the most part we are are cordial to each other.  We tend to stay out of each others way.  We also do our best not to steal each others fares.  There seems to be a bit of mutual respect for each other.

There is one cabbie in town who works for Anchor taxi who is different from the rest.  He is an ornery little bastard and I think he reminds of that king on the old Bugs Bunny cartoons who always yelled " Wheres my Hossenfeffer"!

There is this particular taxi stand on Market street in front of Fat Bellies Bar and Grill that he seems to think is his.  He often parks there and goes inside of Fat Bellies for what seems to be hours.  I personally don't care what he does but on the rare occasion I park in that spot he drives by real slow giving me the stink eye.   I usually just laugh it off and not worry about it.  After all Ive had better people not like me.

This past Sunday afternoon I was parked in that popular stand listening to the scores of the first games of the NFL games played and waiting for the blues radio show to start on WUNH.  I look up and guess who is standing at my window.  You guessed it, that dork from Anchor Taxi.

"Nice parking job"  he says pointing out that I'm a couple feet off the curb.

"That's so I could get out of here easily because some people want and enjoy my services" I reply.

He grunts and scurries away to the confines of Fat Bellies Bar and Grill.

Within a couple minutes he saunters out of the restaurant.  He has in his hand these little maps that the city likes people in the service industry to give out to tourist to help them get around the town of Portsmouth.  To me it looks like comic book art , but it is helpful to those who aren't familiar to the city.  I notice he is walking towards me and I could see in his face he was going to say something to me so I went on the offensive.

"Hey man, what are you doing with those maps?"  I asked.

He didn't answer so I answered for him and said teasingly "are you going to use those to help you find your way around town!"

He turned red and I could visibly tell he was offended by that comment.  He mumbled something I couldn't understand then he looked at me and stammered " I could drive around this town backwards faster than you could go forward."

"Touche, wanna try bucko!"  I shouted back.

By this time he is walking back across the street to his cab.  I was feeling pretty good because often if you piss someone off and then don't like you and they will not talk to you at all.  Well that was what I was trying to achieve. 

My 2-way radio rung and it was dispatch giving me a run.  I was putting the car in drive and suddenly I see King Hossenfeffer standing on the curb looking at me.  I yelled at him, "I have a run and I will be right back in a few minutes to claim your parking spot."

" No you wont" he responded, " I will park my cab there and I will go inside and watch the Patriots."

I drove away without saying anything.   I took care of my fare and drove back to that hot spot.  And sure enough his cab was there and he wasn't around.  Right then I realized that I found my Nemesis in the cabbing world.  He doesn't know it yet but I will make it my mission to make his days a little more uncomfortable.  I wont break the law and I wont do anything to hurt him but there will be some practical jokes coming his way.

I will always make it a point to park in that spot whenever possible.  Also, if I see him in that spot I will use my personal cell phone to call him and ask him to go get me somewhere acrosss town going back downtown.  Once he leaves I will take that spot then call to cancel the ride.

I'm open to suggestions so please if you have any ideas of what I could do in order to have some fun with this ass clown please let me know.  I will use my blog to keep you posted on any progress I make in ruining this guys day!

Jamie And Christine

I know it been a while since I posted on my blog.  My schedule changed at my real job and I'm not able to drive the cab as often as I used to.  Last night a fellow driver needed the night off and I was asked to fill in for him.  It was a regular get em in and get em out night with the exception of one interesting fare.

I was flagged down by a nice couple in market square and they wanted to go to the Holmwoods suites.  As we are taking off the The gentleman asked me if I have ever had any interesting things happen in my cab.  So I did some shameless promoting and told him about my blog.  He then went on to brag about how he banged his lady twice that day.  I just figured it was the alcohol talking so I just laughed along.

He then asked, "ever have anyone get it on in your cab."

"Not yet," I replied.

Out of now where the lady chimed in " Hey honey, wanna be the first."

"If you're gonna fuck in my cab its gonna cost you another fifty bucks"  I bellowed out in a half jokingly voice.  But I was serious.

"No problem.  Hey honey lets do it" 

"No babe, I'm tired" 

"I cant believe you chickening out" I said teasing that dude.  After all that bragging he did nothing.

About that time I was at their hotel.  As they were getting out the dude asked if I would mention them in my blog which I agreed.  I got their names and they were on their way.

Well this is for you  Jamie and Christine.  If you are reading this, it was fun having you in my cab and I wish both of you the best!

Ahh...Ryan

Got dispatched out to Philbrick's Fresh Market with the party going to K-mart.  I pull up and I see an a blue haired old lad with her arm in a sling and a scrawny guy with short cropped hair on his head and back hair sticking out the back of his ratty Old Navy T-shirt.

They start walking towards the cab and the ol' blue hair says in the most god awful, nagging, whinny  voice with an old New England accent, "Ahh... Ryan, can you open the door for me!"

"Ahh...Ryan can you help me in the cah!"

"Ahh...Ryan can you close the door!"

Now they are in my cab.  With that nagging whining voice she says to me, " take me to K-mart!"

I have only been around her for a minute and every time she says something I feel a little gag reflex in the back of my throat.

We get to rolling and she sets in on poor Ryan.   "Ahh...Ryan I'm going to need your help in K-mart!"

"Hmmph."  Ryan moans

"Ahh...Ryan you're gonna have to help me put the stuff on the registah!"

"Hmmph."

"Ahh...Ryan,  you're gonna have to put the bags back in the caht!"

"Hmmph."

I noticed the pattern here as I look in the rear view mirror.  I notice that poor ol Ryan has a look of disgust on his face.  I believe he was giving serious thought to jumping face first out of the cab to unforgiving pavement.  Right about then I pull up to K-mart.  They get out and i could see her nagging that poor ol' Ryan all the way into the store. 

A couple hours pass and several fares later I get dispatched to K-mart.  I knew it was for the old blue hair and poor ol' Ryan.

I pull up and I hear that familiar nagging voice, "Ahh...Ryan, put the stuff in the trunk!"

"Ahh...Ryan, help me in the cah!"

"Ahh...Ryan, close the door!"

"Ahh...Ryan, tomorrow you have to go pick up my presciptions at 9 o'clock!"

"Hmmph"

"Ahh...Ryan you go to church tomorrow, right?!"

"Hmmph...Yea"

"Ahh...Ryan, then after church go pick it up!"

I again look in the rear view mirror and poor ol Ryan is looking even more pathetic than before.  All I could think was that I understand wanting  to help out your mother.  But, at some point one has to stop being a door mat and grow a backbone and tell this bitch to shut the fuck up.

Just when I was giving serious thought to jumping face first out of the cab to the unforgiving pavement, we pull up to that old nags apartment.

"Ahh ...Ryan....."  I heard as I tuned her voice out.  I just couldn't wait to get them out.  Its been almost a week ago that I met her and I still cant get her wretched voice out of my head!

Ooooh....that smell

When I thought about blogging about my cabbing experiences I told myself that I wouldn't use this as a forum to make fun of those who are less fortunate than I am.   I have had some fares with some people really down on their luck.  Sometimes while they are in my cab I find them annoying then later after I think about it for a while I find myself feeling sorry for them  I wish I could do more for them but I know I'm in no position for that.

It was a Friday morning and I was filling in because we were short a cab driver.  I was the only cab from our company on the road and I had the dispatcher phone.  I usually work nights and quickly learned that I prefer the graveyard shifts.  Starting at about 9 A.M. I had a series of fairs involving an elderly couple.  The wife was in a wheelchair and the husband appeared to be in the early stages of some form of dementia.  Started out with a call from the Fair Field Inn Hotel.  I was told that they had a couple that wanted to go to the Sprint store and that the lady was handicapped and needed a car because it was easier for her to get into.  Luckily I was in a car and I proceed to go there.  I pulled up and out they come.  I get out, open the front and back passengers door and wait for them to get to the car.  I get next to the woman in the wheelchair and I smell the stench of hot piss mixed with body funk.  It was so bad that not only was my nose burning but my throat seemed like it was going to close on me too.

I get them in the car and we are on our way.  The lady says to me that she will be about 15 minutes and that she will need a ride back.  I had another run waiting for me so I told her that after that fare I will come back to get them.  She agreed and all is well.  After she got out all I could smell is that funk.  I really dreaded going back for them but I did it anyways.  I got them back to their hotel without incident.

A couple hours pass and I think I don't smell her anymore, The phone rings.  Its a social worker calls me from the hospital and asked if I could pick up an elderly couple at 1:30 with the wife being in a wheelchair, and take them to the Rockingham County Courthouse in Brentwood.  Holy shit, I know who that is!  The social worker tells me that they are going to pay for it.  I just happen to be passing the hospital so she agrees to meet me by the main entrance to give me a voucher to pay for their ride.  while there I tell her that I know them because earlier I gave them a ride to the Sprint store.  Then I'm off again.

A few minute pass then the social worker calls to tell me that they decided not to pay their fare because she thought they were broke.  And if they could afford a cell phone then they could afford a cab ride.  I explained to her that when I go to get them if they are broke I'm going to leave their asses at the hotel.  She said fine. 

Suddenly I'm thinking to myself, How the hell do I get myself in these situations.  Then I remind the heavenly father that I'm sorry for all the bad things Ive done in my life.  About that time it occurred  to me that they probably don't have money so I wont have to worry about it.  The smile on my face was interrupted by the phone ringing again.  It was a lawyer telling me to go pick them up and that he will pay cash for it.  Dammit!!  Now I'm thinking about how will I prevent myself from smelling her and how will I get that smell out of the car.

At 1:30 sharp I'm at the hotel.  That woman is smelling as ripe as ever.  I could hardly stand it.  I thought I was going to puke.  I drive the 30 minutes and I get them to the court house in time and the Lawyer  gave me a 40% tip on the fare  That was my last fare of the day but I was frustrated that I could smell her and I knew I was going to have to get the seat she was in cleaned.

Fast forward to Saturday morning.  I get online and Im reading the local newspaper online.  The cover story is about a police officer who responded to a minor car accident and found an elderly couple who lives in their car with squaler conditions.  He offered to get them help.  They refused so he arrested the woman because she was the one who was more coherant,  if you will.  At the top of the article there was a picture of the couple.  Can you guess who it was?   You guessed it!   The couple who was in my cab.  Suddenly I go from being frustrated with them to feeling sorry for them.  I wish I wasnt such a softy.

Random Rambling

In my travels around the great city of Portsmouth I see many things.  I see things that amuse me, annoy me, enlighten me, and humbles me.  Sometimes I fell like a voyeur of the world.  People watching is definantly one of my favorite pass times.

When the cabbing is slow I like to sit in Market Square and take mental snap shots of the diversity of people who inhabit the area.  There are the uptight business people in suits in a hurry to get somewhere.  Outside of the South Church there are always the same young, misguided youth hanging around looking for their next misadventures.  Sitting at the chairs outside of Breaking New Ground ( a coffee shop)  there is always a mix of young locals who live in the downtown area, tourist from who knows where and several rough neck motorcycle types.  Then every once in a while, if I get lucky, I see that dude who rides his bike with a goggle wearing parrot on his shoulder.

Once I get rolling and I'm cruising around town looking for my next fare or trying to get my customer to where they want to go, I deal with a some of my pet peeves that I try to cope with on a daily basis.

I'm not trying to alienate any of my readers who may be guilty of my pet peeves.  So please don't be offended.  After all, often the people who annoys us the most are the people we love!

Whats the deal with smokers?  I know that the majority of my friends and family are smokers, so please let me know what you think.  I find a lot of them inconsiderate of others around them.  They often try to light up  in my cab, then get mad when I tell them to wait till I drop them off.  I also don't understand why they so uncaringly fling their butts out the window.  I think its rude and disgusting.

So whats the deal with bikers dressing like they are going to win the Tour De France.  Dont they realize the look like 5 pounds of shit in a 1 pound bag.  Not to mention I really dont like the look of their moose knuckles and camel toes!  I dont have any thing against people who ride bicycles to get where they going. But they  expect me to share the road with them but they dont share it with me.  I dont think they understand the rule of tonnage.  I would never intintionally pull out in front of an 18 wheeler so why would they cut me off!   I always feel like the are trying to run some kinda scam on me.

Ok enough of things that annoy me.   That is a long list of things.  Maybe in future post I will cover more of them.

Every once in a while I get someone in my cab that I find interesting and kinda inspires me.  Last week I picked up a guy at his huge ass house.  He was went downtown to meet with a client who was interested in buying whatever it was he was selling.  A few hours later he called for me to go pick him up.  He was kinda intoxicated when I got him.  On the trip home, he asked me if I knew what seperates succesful people from average people When I said no , he replied that succesful people arent afraid to ask for thing.  I found that interesting because often I catch myself being nervous to ask people especially stangers for anything.

On the other hand, from time to time I pick people up who reminds me how lucky I am.  Portsmouth is often considered a hoity-toity city with all well to do people.  Though on the outside looking in you may think that.  But when you get to the underbelly of the town you find that there are lots of unfortunant souls in the area who have made mistakes in their lives and are paying dearly for it.  Ive watched a lady drink rubbing alcohol.  Ive picked a family at the bus station and brought them to the homeless shelter.  I also brought a woman from the hospital to a local hotel who was telling me her husband had a stroke while working and he may never be his normal again. I could go on and on about some of the people Ive given rides to who were down on their luck. 

By the end of my shifts I have  often went through a whole roller coaster of emotions.  Im exhausted and I just want to go home.  But I love it. It makes me feel alive and often I cant wait for my next shift in my cab!

That Gut Feeling

Well folks I'm out of commission this week.  Hopefully I will be in my cab next weekend.  I had a little surgery on  my clackers and I'm in a lot of pain.  But I know I will be ready for the road soon.

Anyhow I do have a little story.  Because I don't carry a weapon I am always a little nervous about either picking up a fare that will turn violent or getting robbed.  The more senior cab drivers tell me that its a gut feeling you get if something isn't right.  Not to mention my experiences of growing up in Meadowland gives me a 6th sense if some thing is about to go down.

It was really late and the bars have been out for some time.  I decided to take one more trip through downtown and get one last fare before calling it a night.  There was a group of young men stand there with one punk standing in the middle of the road.  He had his hands up yelling for me to stop.  It almost looked as if he wanted to play chicken.  For some reason I stopped.  As he was walking around the cab to the passenger side he was saying something that I couldn't understand but I could tell he was belligerent.  The hairs on my neck stood on end and my stomach started churning.  I had the window down but the door was locked. I asked, "where ya goin buddy."

As he is reaching into my cab to unlock the door, invading my space now he yells out, "I'm going to fuckin Newington!"

At t hat point I had it with that jerk.  He had that door open at that point.  So I yelled back, "then you better start walking, motherfucker!"  As I drove off. 

I heard him yelling and calling me names as I pulled away.  But I really didn't care.  I knew that guy would be trouble so I left him on t he side of the road.  My senior cabbies were right.  You know if there will be trouble with a fare and you should leave those jerks on the side of the road.