Sitting in Market Square in downtown Portsmouth on a slow Sunday afternoon, this young guy get into my cab. Tells me he needs to go to Somersworth. We work out a price then we are on our way. Every thing was pretty standard till he proclaimed to me, " I'm going to rid the world of all evil."
After a full double take, I just looked at him with my jaw dropped and and yelped "what!"
"You may not know this but my name is Micheal and I'm the devils brother." He explained with out any hesitation.
"Really?" I asked. Then I start thinking to myself, why do these wackos seem to find me.
Micheal then proceeded to explain to me, " When God decides to take the world back to not to fear fire. It will be the cold that I need to stay away from."
"OK that makes sence to me," I answer. My thought is to keep this dude calm so he doesn't kill me.
"I know what the devil looks like, I know his name, and I know where he lives," He explains. " Because I've meet him and Ive been to his house."
"Well whats his name,what does he look like and where does he live I asked." By this time dude has my full attention and I'm just wondering what the heck he will say next.
He goes on and says " the devil is this black dude and his name is Desmond. But you cant trust him because he can change himself into a white wolf."
I thought well that's interesting. Then I asked, "well where does he live?"
"He lives in Waterville Maine" he proclaims.
"Why there?" I ask. "Why not New York or Los Angeles"
"Because that's to obvious." he tells me.
Then he whispered to me, "Wanna know something else that will blow your mind. God lives in Waterville Maine too."
By this time I'm getting a little tired of his tales so I ask him " does your family know about this."
He then tells me "That his parents think that he is crazy and should get some help."
I didn't respond because I'm trying to keep him calm. Then he asked me " do you think I'm crazy?"
"No." I said
By this time we are in Somersworth and I'm ready to get his ass out of my cab. Then he says to me, "you're a true angel. When god returns he will reward you."
He payed the fare and gave me a very generous tip. Though this kid seemed to be way out in left field, I really wasn't afraid of him. He seemed to me that he was having some mental issues and I hope he listens to his parents and take care of himself.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Confessions of a part time cabbie
I notice that in my cab people's inhibitions tend to fade away. Some of my customers talk about things I'm not sure they would in most social settings. Just last week I experienced a prime example of this.
Last Friday I was cruising downtown and got flagged down by a gentleman who appeared to be in his mid to late forties. I will call him Slim. He asked " could you take me to Pepboys to pick up my friend then return back down town."
"Yea, no problem. Get in."
So we got to rollin and he remarked " god damn there are some hot women here in Portsmouth."
I nodded in agreement and said "yea youre right"
"I've been chasing skirts around here for a long time. All you need to pick up these broads around here is a long line of bull shit and a good wingman." he explaind.
"Well Ive been out of the game for a long time but back in the day I was the wingman extrodonaire." I added.
"You need to be careful though, if your wingman is to good it could mess you up then suddenly you become the wingman."
At that point I just chalked him up as a bitter, washed up bar fly and the car got quiet. Then we pull up to Pepboys. I see his friend standing in the door of the store. He was a heavy set guy who I will call Big Guy. He sits in the back seat and those two exchange pleasantries. Slim says with a complementary tone "hey, you look like you lost more weight!"
Big Guy brags "yea ive lost about 160 pounds"
Slims says "hey thats great, whats your motivation?"
Big Guy explains "Well, its no secret I was eating myself to death. I was putting on so much wieght it was getting harder for me to do things that were always easier before. Finding clothes that fit and going to bathroom was getting to be a challenge. I explained that to my doctor and he gave me a magazine/ catalog catering to people of my stature. Im looking through this and im seeing some clothes,shoes, and other items. Then I get to the end of the book and I see that they are selling toilet paper on the stick. Suddenly I realized that im a cheeseburger away from needing that damn thing."
By this time he has my full attention. Being the sinsitive guy that I am, I did feel bad for his situation but it was funny to hear it at the same time. I didnt mean to chuckle.
I think at this point Slim was feeling a little left out of the conversation. He says to Big Guy "on the way here we were talking about wingmen."
"You dont want to be this assholes wingman!" Big Guy screamed. "Let me tell you about being his wingman."
"One night we were out. These two beatuful blondes came over and started chatting it up with us. As time went by one of those lovely ladies seemed to be interested in me. She was laughing at my jokes, flipping her hair, and rubbing my shoulder as she spoke to me. Then suddenly this sombitch," pointing at Slim, " ask me, Hey how is your wedding plans going. Suddenly she stopped laughing. Stopped flipping her hair. And most importantly stopped touching. I was so pissed!"
Slim had a sly smile on his face. "You were supposed to be the wingman he slurred."
Big Guy was just shaking head.
By this time I was right back where I picked up Slim. They got out, payed the fare and gave me a nice tip. I thought to myself, that was interesting. I wondered if they were having a good time and if Big Guy was still the wingman. I also wondered how often those two stories are told. I like to think that the cab is almost like confession for the Catholics. Often the passenger is in the back seat. All they see is the back of my head and maybe my eyes in the rearview mirror.
Last Friday I was cruising downtown and got flagged down by a gentleman who appeared to be in his mid to late forties. I will call him Slim. He asked " could you take me to Pepboys to pick up my friend then return back down town."
"Yea, no problem. Get in."
So we got to rollin and he remarked " god damn there are some hot women here in Portsmouth."
I nodded in agreement and said "yea youre right"
"I've been chasing skirts around here for a long time. All you need to pick up these broads around here is a long line of bull shit and a good wingman." he explaind.
"Well Ive been out of the game for a long time but back in the day I was the wingman extrodonaire." I added.
"You need to be careful though, if your wingman is to good it could mess you up then suddenly you become the wingman."
At that point I just chalked him up as a bitter, washed up bar fly and the car got quiet. Then we pull up to Pepboys. I see his friend standing in the door of the store. He was a heavy set guy who I will call Big Guy. He sits in the back seat and those two exchange pleasantries. Slim says with a complementary tone "hey, you look like you lost more weight!"
Big Guy brags "yea ive lost about 160 pounds"
Slims says "hey thats great, whats your motivation?"
Big Guy explains "Well, its no secret I was eating myself to death. I was putting on so much wieght it was getting harder for me to do things that were always easier before. Finding clothes that fit and going to bathroom was getting to be a challenge. I explained that to my doctor and he gave me a magazine/ catalog catering to people of my stature. Im looking through this and im seeing some clothes,shoes, and other items. Then I get to the end of the book and I see that they are selling toilet paper on the stick. Suddenly I realized that im a cheeseburger away from needing that damn thing."
By this time he has my full attention. Being the sinsitive guy that I am, I did feel bad for his situation but it was funny to hear it at the same time. I didnt mean to chuckle.
I think at this point Slim was feeling a little left out of the conversation. He says to Big Guy "on the way here we were talking about wingmen."
"You dont want to be this assholes wingman!" Big Guy screamed. "Let me tell you about being his wingman."
"One night we were out. These two beatuful blondes came over and started chatting it up with us. As time went by one of those lovely ladies seemed to be interested in me. She was laughing at my jokes, flipping her hair, and rubbing my shoulder as she spoke to me. Then suddenly this sombitch," pointing at Slim, " ask me, Hey how is your wedding plans going. Suddenly she stopped laughing. Stopped flipping her hair. And most importantly stopped touching. I was so pissed!"
Slim had a sly smile on his face. "You were supposed to be the wingman he slurred."
Big Guy was just shaking head.
By this time I was right back where I picked up Slim. They got out, payed the fare and gave me a nice tip. I thought to myself, that was interesting. I wondered if they were having a good time and if Big Guy was still the wingman. I also wondered how often those two stories are told. I like to think that the cab is almost like confession for the Catholics. Often the passenger is in the back seat. All they see is the back of my head and maybe my eyes in the rearview mirror.
Friday, June 17, 2011
That poor bastard
I got dispatched out to Applebee's for a guy going to the Fairfield Inn. It was kinda late so I was expecting to pick up a business man who maybe had a little to much to drink. Another get em in and get em out type of fare.
As I pull into the parking lot I see him standing out in the middle of the road. He gets in and says "we need to go across the street to pick up my wife."
Across the street is a huge strip mall with a grocery store,K-mart, a couple resturants and a drug store. So I asked "What store is she in?"
"She is sitting in our broken down car in front of K-mart."
I just kinda nod my head and drive on over there. As I pull up to the car, she starts getting out. Suddenly her car alarm goes off. The guy in my back seat is fishing in his pockets for the keys and the wife is visably agitated. Finaly the alarm is shut off and the lady is getting in the car. As she is shutting the door she stops suddenly and whines "Shit, I just dropped my ear ring."
"Would you like me to get my flashlight and help you find it." I asked
"Don't worry about it." she said. "Im more pissed at him than I am about losing my fuckin' earing." she exclaimed as she was pointing at him.
So I started rolling towards the Faifield Inn. That was the quietest car ride I have ever had the misfortune of being part of. The tension was thick thicker than molassis.
As I came to a stop in front of the hotel and before I could put the vehicle in park the wife flings open the door and yells at her partner "I'm so annoyed with you right now!" She scurried into the building without even looking back. Leaving her poor sap of a husband to pay the fair.
As he is handing over the money;with a decent tip I must add, I say to him " Try to have a good night brother."
He mumble back with a defeated tone to his voice, "Yea right."
I have to that I really felt sorry for this guy. I have never found out what the argument was about. Whatever was going on it must have been serious. But I must confess after almost 12 years of marriage better him than me!
As I pull into the parking lot I see him standing out in the middle of the road. He gets in and says "we need to go across the street to pick up my wife."
Across the street is a huge strip mall with a grocery store,K-mart, a couple resturants and a drug store. So I asked "What store is she in?"
"She is sitting in our broken down car in front of K-mart."
I just kinda nod my head and drive on over there. As I pull up to the car, she starts getting out. Suddenly her car alarm goes off. The guy in my back seat is fishing in his pockets for the keys and the wife is visably agitated. Finaly the alarm is shut off and the lady is getting in the car. As she is shutting the door she stops suddenly and whines "Shit, I just dropped my ear ring."
"Would you like me to get my flashlight and help you find it." I asked
"Don't worry about it." she said. "Im more pissed at him than I am about losing my fuckin' earing." she exclaimed as she was pointing at him.
So I started rolling towards the Faifield Inn. That was the quietest car ride I have ever had the misfortune of being part of. The tension was thick thicker than molassis.
As I came to a stop in front of the hotel and before I could put the vehicle in park the wife flings open the door and yells at her partner "I'm so annoyed with you right now!" She scurried into the building without even looking back. Leaving her poor sap of a husband to pay the fair.
As he is handing over the money;with a decent tip I must add, I say to him " Try to have a good night brother."
He mumble back with a defeated tone to his voice, "Yea right."
I have to that I really felt sorry for this guy. I have never found out what the argument was about. Whatever was going on it must have been serious. But I must confess after almost 12 years of marriage better him than me!
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Wanna make out....HUH
Picked up a guy and 2 girls outside a downtown watering hole. It was well after midnight and the trio were pretty much sloshed. They get in and the guy asked " what is the weirdest thing you have ever seen in your cab?".
I explained " I have only been driving a couple weeks so I haven't really came across anything really interesting."
Dude shouted giggling " Have you seen any tits in here yet!"
"No, not yet, but im working on it" I muttered. (I am a man)
Then one of the girls chimed in, "I wont show you my tits but I will make out with you twice for a free ride."
I then chirped "You think I will come find you tomorrow for the second make out session.Thanks but no thanks. I don't think my wife would appreciate that very much."
Needless to say there was no make out session, no exposed titties , they payed the fare and gave me a nice tip.
There were no winner and no losers. They got a ride and I got paid.
I explained " I have only been driving a couple weeks so I haven't really came across anything really interesting."
Dude shouted giggling " Have you seen any tits in here yet!"
"No, not yet, but im working on it" I muttered. (I am a man)
Then one of the girls chimed in, "I wont show you my tits but I will make out with you twice for a free ride."
I then chirped "You think I will come find you tomorrow for the second make out session.Thanks but no thanks. I don't think my wife would appreciate that very much."
Needless to say there was no make out session, no exposed titties , they payed the fare and gave me a nice tip.
There were no winner and no losers. They got a ride and I got paid.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
OK...its now official. I'm almost certain that I had my first Pimp and Ho in my cab.
I was dispatched to the local Hannaford grocery store. I pull up and there is a couple there waiting for me. They had a plastic bag with a couple cartons of orange juice in it and a paper bag with what I assume is a bottle of Vodka.
They get in the cab and tell me they are going to the Port Inn. Almost immediately the "gentleman gets on the phone . I over hear him say, "Hey baby, I got the number you need"
"555-1234"
"Make sure you do a good job."
"You know what to do."
" I really don't care what you charge , but you better bring me $150 bucks."
Very interesting I think to myself!
I was dispatched to the local Hannaford grocery store. I pull up and there is a couple there waiting for me. They had a plastic bag with a couple cartons of orange juice in it and a paper bag with what I assume is a bottle of Vodka.
They get in the cab and tell me they are going to the Port Inn. Almost immediately the "gentleman gets on the phone . I over hear him say, "Hey baby, I got the number you need"
"555-1234"
"Make sure you do a good job."
"You know what to do."
" I really don't care what you charge , but you better bring me $150 bucks."
Very interesting I think to myself!
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