Monday, February 25, 2013


Last night was a slow night.  It was raining and there weren't many people enjoying a night out in downtown Portsmouth.  Due to life's circumstances I was forced to start later than I normally would.  All the makings of a non profitable night. 

As predicted it was rather slow for most of the night.  At about 11:45 PM  things started to change.  People started leaving the bars and to my surprise the were really friendly.  Fast forward to about 1:00 AM I picked up a group of party people in Market Square.  They load up and I get a loud, outgoing young lady sitting in the front with me.

After establishing where they are going we get moving.  After the standard pleasantries the young lady starts getting friendly with me and asks lots of questions about what its like to drive a cab.  I intentionally kept all the answers basic.  Then she asked in a giggly voice "Do you like giving rides?"

I'm no fool, I know where this is going.  In my almost two years of driving I've been hit on, flirted with, invited to spend the night, insulted, shoved and all other sorts of other things I cant think of at the moment.  I think back to the neighborhood I grew up in and my four year stint in the Navy and I realize that there isn't much that's going to shock or embarrass me.  So I answer in the way any wise guy worth his salt would answer  "Yep, I sure do."

"HAHA, I bet you do!"  She yelled.

"Do you like giving me a ride." She snickered.

"Highlight of my night."  I snap back.

She was quiet for a few seconds then she asked "Can I rub you nipples?"

In all my life I don't think I've ever been asked if someone could rub my nipples.  Especially a stranger.

Being put on the spot I figured the best thing to do is to call her bluff so I answered "Only if I could rub yours first."

For the rest of the ride she didn't say another word.  Seemed like forever but I think only another minute passed and we at her residence.  I figured the conversation was over, I would get paid and would be on our way.  Someone in the back of the cab paid the fair with a generous tip.  The folks in the back of the van file out and Queenie in the front seat is still there fishing in her purse.  After a couple seconds  she hands me a couple more dollars.  I look down putting all the cash in my bag and suddenly out of nowhere pulls down the front of her blouse and is exposing her chest and all its glory.

Needless to say I was shocked!  Like I said previously I'm not shocked easily but now she had my full undivided attention.  She says "Well are you going to rub my nipples."

I must have sounded like a fool but with my fear of going to prison all I could ask was "You're not going the cops on me will ya."

"No, of course not."

With that I did just like any awkward teenager would do and reached out with my right had and gave the one on the left a gentle squeeze.  I pulled my arm back stuck out my chest and said "your turn."

She gave my chest a rub, said "thanks", put her blouse back on properly, got out the cab. and disappeared into her home.  At that point I felt a bit dumbfounded with disbelief about what just went down.  Part of me does feels guilty because after all I am a married man.  I think sometimes I should just let people say things with out the need of calling their bluff.  That's life I guess.

Monday, January 21, 2013

Hey Buddy Check This Out

I know its been a while since my last post.  What could I say except that I really haven't been really motivated to update this thing.   A couple weeks ago my brother in law and an old Navy buddy asked me if I was ever going to write any new stories.  So to catch you up on what's going on I only drive the cab once a week on Saturday night.  Saturday is the money night and it is also the most interesting.  I have several new stories but tonight I will give you just one but there will be more soon.  I Promise!

A few weeks ago I got dispatched out to  Eliot, Maine to pick up a group and bring them back to downtown Portsmouth.  Eliot is a small, rural community just over the state line.  As I pull up I see a group of people surrounding a camp fire and not in much of a hurry to leave.  After a couple waves and being told we are on our way they finally get in.  It was three couples who all appeared to be in their mid-thirties.

After the normal pleasantries are exchanged and location of drop off is established we are on our way.  Initially the ride is pretty standard.  You know, talk about the weather and lame jokes.  After a short silence  the guy in the passenger seat leans over to  me and whispers "Hey buddy check this out."  as he is holding up his smart phone.

I look over and its a picture of a naked ample chest of an attractive woman,  "Wow, that nice." I said in an agreeing tone.

"You like that, its her." he snickered while pointing to the lady who was sitting directly behind me.

"You Son of a Bitch!" she yelled while punching him on the shoulder.

" I thought you were proud of your new tits." He yelped.

In a jokingly voice she agreed, "yea I am."

Then tapping my shoulder she asked  "so do you like them to?"

"Yes I do, as a matter of fact that was the best rack I've seen all night." I replied.

"Good answer."  she said as we were pulling up to their destination.

As they filled out I received a 100% tip for my services and a nice little story for this blog.  I hope you enjoyed reading this and more will follow in the near future.

Saturday, July 7, 2012

You get one more chance

Sorry I haven't posted anything in a while.  For the last few months I have been only driving on Sunday afternoons.  Just recently though I started driving Saturday nights as well.  Saturday night is money night.  It is also when the most interesting things happen.

Though I have to admit For the last 3 Saturdays I've worked my interesting fares came from drunken assholes that I would have rathered to leave stranded somewhere than get them to their destinations.  This is one example:

I got dispatched out to Bracket Rd. in Rye (small rural coastal town just south of Portsmouth)to pick up a party with no clue as to where they were going.   I showed up and two young couples got in the back of the van and a "gentleman" in his mid-fifties sat in the front with me.

Once they were seated I asked "where we going?"

Guy in the front snorted "left out the drive way."  Right then I knew I was dealing with a dickweed and my guard went up.

He proceeded to give me these weird rights and lefts until I realized he took a messed up way to get to Rt 1-A and we were right on the beach.In a frustrated turn he tells me in a frustrated tone turn right."

By now I was frustrated with being led around I finally asked "Where the hell are we going?" 

"The Atlantic Four Winds"  he snapped.

Right then I knew we were headed in the wrong direction so without prompting I pull a u-turn in a restaurant parking lot.

As I'm in the processing of turning the guy holds up his index finger and says to me "I'm going to give you one more chance"

With that my heart started racing, and anger raged though my body. "One more chance, huh?" I replied.

"Yea." the jerk snapped.

"Well you have one more chance before I throw you ass out right there on the beach, motherfucker!"

"Then I wont pay you."

"I don't give a fuck bout the damn money.  Throwing your ass out in the street and you being the butt of my jokes with my friends for the next week is worth more than whatever money I may get off of you!"

Just about that time the folks in the back started yelling and calmed the situation down.  I went on to that hotel to pick up a couple call girls the jerk hired then proceeded to downtown Portsmouth without hardly a word spoken.  Somehow I got a $15 dollar tip on a 36 dollar fare.

I really didn't care about the tip so I told the dispatcher about what happened. Later they called for a ride back and as far as I know the  are still waiting.  I hope my nemesis picked their sorry asses up and dealt with them!

Monday, February 27, 2012

Jamie and Lindsey

Most of my fares are of the get them in and get 'em out variaty.  Once in while something happens that make it memerable and I end up writing about them here in my blog.  Usually they are heavily intoxicated, flat out crazy, or they just dont give a damn.  On saturday I had the pleasure to meet a young couple who broke the mold.

Turns out the young lady planned a surprise 30th birthday bash for her man.  He is origianaly from Vermont and she secretly planned his party.He was very happy about it and he seemed to love her very much.  I found it refreshing to see a young couple in love like that.

Their names were Jamie and Lindsey.  Congrats on your engagement and wish you two the best.  If all my fares were like you I wouldnt get much to write about!

Sunday, February 5, 2012

When free isn't for me

Being the son of a professional garbage picker means that I'm predisposed  to accepting anything anyone offers for free.  Most of the time if someone offers I'm biting.  But in the cabbing industry you should never take anything that is offered for free.

A couple of weeks ago I read an article about a cab driver in Manchester, NH who is being charged with rape.  It appears he brought a drunk chick to his house and had his way with her.  Is he guilty or not, I'm not going to speculate.  With that said, he should have had the restraint to not put himself in that situation to begin with.

Last Saturday I picked up two young ladies and a gentleman.  One of the ladies and her beau went sit way in the back of the van.  The other young lady sat in the front seat with me.  She told me where we were going and we were on our way.  After a little small talk she says to me, "you're taking me home right."

Realizing that she was heavily intoxicated I stated matter in factly, " yea, I'm taking you home."

"No, to your house"  she replied in a drunken slur.

This wasn't the first time I have ever been in this situation in my cab.  I have never, nor will I, ever take advantage of a situation like this.  But this time it occurred to me that maybe this is what happened to that cabbie in Manchester.

"Nope, I'm dropping you off at your house then I'm getting back to work"  I shoot back.

With that I could see the frustration on her face and she screams out, "What, you're turning down free pussy!"

"Yes I am."

"You faggot!" she screamed.

It was quiet for a few seconds after that exchange.  The she started bitching about the price of the fare.

Finally we arrive at the destination.  They pay and they get out.  As they are walking away the drunk lush asked me one more time if I wanted to stay with her for the night.  I just ignored her and drove away.

Well folks its that easy to get yourself in a bad situation.  Though I would never let myself get in that situation I understand the temptation.  What would happen next is that the young lady would wake up the next morning regretting what happened and she would go to the police.  Now its your word against hers.  And being that the laws are in place to punish men for being men you are in deep shit.

So please guys be careful and ladies please be considerate and try not to put yourself in a dangerous situation with strange men as well.

I will put that link for that Manchester cabbie accused of rape as well.

Monday, January 23, 2012

MIstress Advice

 ***(This was written as a joke.  So please don't take it serious.)***

Since I posted about the dude and his mistress a couple of weeks ago I have been questioned on why I didn't write a scathing story about her.  My answer to that is that I don't believe she was trained properly.  She obviously doesn't have all the right information.  I know the chances of that lovely lady ever reading my blog is slim to none.  Now if I could offer some insight any other ladies considering becoming a mistress I would feel Ive enriched someones life.

Everyday we all do things that we know we shouldn't be doing.  Some people smoke even though they know that it will eventually kill them.  Some people take things home from work even though its considering stealing.  And others drink and do drugs even though that turns them into people they wouldn't recognize or even like for that matter.

The first thing I would say to anyone considering becoming a mistress is not do it.  You should have more self control to not give into temptation.   Now if you feel the need to give in to the urge let me offer you some insight.

As a mistress you need to realize that you aren't going to be his top priority.  Heck, you may not even be in his top 5 list of priorities.  You will be behind his wife, kids, house, job, car, lawn and TV.  But you might be ahead of his priority to sleep because he does need to find time to be with you.  After all in order for him to have a mistress he does need to have some time in his schedule for you.  So learn your role and deal with it.

Another role of a mistress is to not cause any undue stress to her beau.  He has enough stress in his life.  His wife, kids, house, job, lawn and TV is stressful enough.  So when you have time with him help him relax in a way that only you can provide.

Under no circumstances should you ever nag, bitch, complain, or make ultimatums.  Knowing that you aren't high on his priority list you should realize that you are dispensable to him.  Those actions could have you out just like last weeks recycling.

You should never expect any thing from him except some of his time.  After paying for his wife, kids, house, lawn and TV there may not be anything left for you.  Besides he definantly doesn't want to leave a paper trail leading to others finding out about you.

As a mistress you will by no means have any expectations of this relationship becoming exclusive.  You should accept your role as a mistress or end the relationship as soon as possible. 

With all that said: as a mistress, you do have some power over the dude as well.

He knows that you could blow his cover.  With one phone call you could destroy his whole world.  He will often share information about himself that he doesn't with anyone else.  Knowledge is power.

Well folks, I hope this little bit of information helps you out.  Please feel free to add to the list or offer more advice.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Get Out

The best, most profitable night of the year for a cabbie is New Years Eve.  This past New Years Eve was no exception.  I ran non stop and had a very profitable evening.  For the most part it was an evening of constant running.   Before midnight most of the fares were picking people up at their homes and bringing them down town.  After midnight the dispatcher was so busy from people calling from the bars  she shut off the phone and told us drivers just to drive past the bars and give rides to who ever jumped in our cabs.

Sometime after midnight I was cruising past The Page and I see a sweet looking waif standing at the curb flagging me down.  So I pull on over and she comes up to the passenger window and tells me that her and her friends need a ride to Durham.

Durham is a college town about 20 miles away and its right in the middle of the busy time.  The logical part of my brain is telling me that this fare could cost me money and that I shouldn't do it.  The man (AKA Low Down Dirty Dog) part of my brain is telling me that this cutey has friends so I will be going to Durham with a van full of drunk hotties.   Needless to say the man part of my brain wins out so I agree.

The sweetheart turns around to wave in her friends as I push the button to open the automatic doors in the van.  Next thing you know I got a van full of damn Frat boys.  Son of a Bitch!  I just got set up and my mind is reeling.  How will I get out out of this?

Suddenly as I'm shutting the automatic doors two of those douche bags are in each others face yelling obscenities at each other.   I turn around and yell in my best take no shit voice "If you guys don't knock it off I will kick your asses out of my cab!"

The yelling stopped and they apologized.  I put the van in drive and pulled away.  I started the meter and turned around the corner and suddenly they had each other by the throats.  I slammed the brakes and these two dueling dorks came flying to the front of the cab and landed between the front bucket seats.  I opened up the door and yelled "get the fuck out of my cab!"

Then those guys started begging me to give them a ride and they will stop.   By this point I had it and besides I didn't want to go to Durham anyways.  Finally they got the hint and got out with the exception of the little tart that was sitting in the front seat next to me.  At this point I wasn't going to buy into her charms.  She sat there and tried batting her pretty little eyes at me while pleading with me to take them home.  I hated to do it but finally I told her that if she didn't get out the van I was going to call the police and have her removed.  With that she told me to fuck off and got out.  As I was driving off I could see those two original douche bags involved in the sissy slap fight of the century.

Within a second I had my next fare and I proceeded with my evening as if nothing ever happened.  I think I told everyone I had in my cab after that about this incident and we had lots of laughs at their expense.  I hope you; the lucky person reading this, can find humor in this too!